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| Our perception of ourselves and our relationships is often shaped by the culture when we are still very young.
As a girl, you dream of becoming a princess- swept off your feet by a prince charming who cherishes and respects you and has eyes and a heart for only you. As you grow older, you see that the moral of purity and of waiting around for this special prince to come starts to change all around you. Instead of being valued by males, girls begin to be physically analyzed, touched, drooled over, flirted with, and even seduced. In this search for a "prince", girls start to allow themselves to be made into what a guy would want them to be so they feel cherished and found beautiful- they fall into the way of our culture where girls = sex objects.
We are told that our bodies should be flaunted, the media and culture around us says girls are to initiate relationships with boys and use our bodies to get their attention. Our childhood hopes become completely altered, but we allow it to be ok.
Most of us have had our dreams trampled, whether by an abusive father, a divorce struck family, sexual assault, a painful breakup, or simply the cruel taunts of our peers. Many girls, wounded and desperate, go on a search to find value- to find someone who will accept us, approve us, value us, cherish us, and make us feel beautiful.
After these childhood dreams have fallen apart, my search still continues. But I have changed my focus. I’ve come to the realization that I can no longer look for any of that in a person. It’s great if I eventually come to find it down the road, but I have to be content with myself and having that with my Lord. God is in pursuit of my heart, He wants it all, and He promises me that He loves me more than anything I’ve ever experienced. He knows the desires of my heart and if I trust in Him, He promises He will fulfill them.
People make mistakes. Everyone around us is going to fail, including our own selves, and human relationships are never guaranteed. Some people change, some people not so much- but I’ve also realized that I cant try to change people myself, and I need to worry about the things in my own life that need fixed before I do that for anyone else.
In a devoted relationship, complete trust and commitment-based intimacy are required. Intimacy is killed in an instant if ‘others’ are involved- whether those ‘others’ are other people or other objects or things- pornography, lust, dishonesty, etc. There is no way to fully offer your whole heart to someone if there is any doubt of not being the only person or thing in his/her life. Deep, trusting, tender, loving intimacy (required of a serious relationship), is impossible with distrust. And it is absolutely necessary for a girl to seek a man to be all of that for her.
God has been trying to tell me lately- trust Me. I have a plan for you and for your life, and you will be happy. I will never allow you to feel this empty, alone feeling forever. And it’s been really hard to accept and to believe. There’s so much of the feelings of my heart and emotions that I could write right now, but I’m choosing to write what my head has been trying to convince my heart.
"and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don’t break your heart, things will just get worse
when the burden seems to much to bear
remember.. the end will justify the pain it took to get us there" | | |
| "The human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for."
I just thought this was a really cool quote- with all of us concentrating so much on the future and our careers, it's nice to remember what are the truly important things when it comes down to it. The Run was awesome!!! It was such a big success and all the days and hours of work and planning we put into it really showed. We had a great turn out, a beautiful day, and just an overall good feeling about everything. I can't believe it's over, it feels like I've been looking so forward to it for so long and all the sudden it's done. But it's something I'll never forget.
Whit and I visited Olivet this weekend to see Nate's play, which was so very good. That boy is very talented- I'm proud of how far he's come in his acting just over the past year or so. We surprised him, he had no idea we were coming- and he loved it. I love doing little things like that for the people I love, it lets them know you truly care and all of us need those unexpected thoughtful actions every once in awhile. The good thing about the weekend is that it solidified my decision- I'm going to Olivet next year. It's been a very hard decision and I've prayed a lot about it. I got on New Covenant, the PR music team, for Mt. Vernon next year, but I've really just been feeling like that's not where God wants me to be. It would be a huge commitment for me, all I would do would be school and practicing for this music group, and I'm not sure that's something I want to overwhelm myself with when I'm first getting used to such a big change in my life. It's weird- I get so excited when I go to Olivet, I love the campus, I'm very impresssed with their music program, it's the place I just get that feeling of belonging. And they say that you will feel that with a school and you will just know, and that's how I feel. MV is a great school, I just don't feel like it's the school for me. Whit and I stayed in a dorm overnight too, which was so much fun and it got me so excited for college life next year. I mean I'm excited, but we also had our sort of breakdown moment in the car over how much we're going to miss all of this next year. It has been such a good year, despite all the complaining, I'm going to miss it all so incredibly much. Lately, it's been a lot harder cuz I know it's all ending soon- I'll listen to a song or look at a picture and the tears will come so quickly to my eyes because the past 4 years of my life have flown but have been some of the best memories I will ever create.
This year, I've realized that the feeling of missing someone is the worst feeling you could ever feel. There's no way to explain it to anyone, no way to make it go away. There are constantly things that remind you of that person and constantly thoughts of what you wish you were doing with them at that moment- it takes over everything you try to do. There have been a few different people, relationships, memories this year that I have missed so much in different ways and I am convinced that it is the worst thing you can feel. I guess I just thought I'd end with that..
"..sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.." | | |
| Lately it just seems to me
like we've got the letters A.D.D.
branded into our mentality
we simply can't focus on anything
im not sure really what it's been lately, but i cant wait to go to college. its not that i dont absolutely love my friends or dont like dublin, cuz i really do love it all. i'm gonna miss all of this so very much. but at the same time i am looking so forward to a fresh start next year. everything's gonna be different, but for once in my life im excited for that. i'm excited to not have to wake up to the same routine every single day. when asked what's new in my life, i should just answer.. same thing, different day. cuz really, nothing new ever happens- who am i kidding. i have the most planned out, organized life ever. and lately its been sooo boring. that senioritis thing? never really realized exactly how serious they are haha. but its definitely a disease. what is it lately? we all cant focus! i just want to be done! ahhhh get me out of highschool. so many things have happened this year that have basically opened my eyes to the fact that we have all matured majorly. we have undergone some serious changes in our lives, but its also weird to look at everyone and realize that we're all ready to move on. we're all talking about the different phases in our lives and instead of going into them together, instead of the joined at the hips friendships that have guided us through every new thing this whole way... we're all doing this on our own. it's scary. but i think we're ready. some days i just think june cant come soon enough.
**RIP Myatt Icerink 2006** 
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sometimes you dont realize what you were missing until it presents itself right in front of you. just like you dont understand life's lessons until they prove to have happened for a reason.
sometimes the past can play a huge part in the future- but sometimes i let it completely take over. yes, the past will always be there and you cant exactly change what it was, but the thing my mind seems to always be so closed to is that there is such thing as change and new beginnings. doubts that i harbor so often come into play because of friendships and relationships i've had in the past and don't have anymore, and i in turn allow myself to apply that to every area of my life. but maybe that's what's affecting my ability to have a substantial, real relationship. i apologize in advance to those of you who have any type of bitterness toward the "holiday", but this Valentine's Day i've realized how important it is to appreciate those i do love and tell everyone about it. of course my family- i feel i've grown so much closer to them all individually and altogether just over the past few months and leaving them next year will be one of the hardest things i'll ever have to do. everytime i look at them i'm filled with an extreme sense of love and appreciation; i cant put into words how thankful i am for each and every one of them. now, this year has sort of been crazy friends-wise, but i have learned so very much about being real with people and finding those that share your values and your respect and your ideas about life. and my life is full of some incredibly wonderful people that i feel so blessed to call my friends. and last, but certainly not least, the boy that i've fallen head over heels in love with. i've never had a valentine's day where the words i love you have ever meant what they do now between me and another person. if i wanted to put into words how much he means to me, i would write the longest xanga entry known to man and no one would read it (not like anyone probably has read down to here anyway). but see, i am absolutely crazy for him and what helps me to know that this is the real thing is that i know he feels the same about me. i dont have a doubt in my mind that the overwhelming sense of passion i feel toward him is also felt by him when we're together. and even when we're apart. this year has presented many many struggles and doing this whole long distance thing has been pretty tough at times, but i can honestly say that we have both come out of it stronger than we were going into it. i've learned a lot, and i know he has- about eachother, about relationships, about trust, about communication, and about love. and i have never felt luckier in my entire life- to have fallen in love with such an amazing person who i know is going far in his life and is making steps toward a great future. someone i believe in with all my heart and someone who has put so much effort into this relationship and really showing me he cares. i love you my prince. 
and she's coming home soon.  well, soon compared to before.. i dont think i've ever heard better news.
gosh, no wonder the moon is so beautiful tonight. 
everytime our eyes meet, this feeling inside me is almost more than i can take...
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| "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
sometimes i let my anger and bitterness consume me and cause me to overreact. hence, exactly what happened this week. i'm an overreacter and i am more than willing to admit that (thanks to the constant reminding from angelo and nate) and there are a lot of people i think i've lashed out at. yes, i was upset on tuesday and there's still a part of me that's hurting a lot from this whole thing, but at the same time i've taken a lot of time away from people the past few days to think about everything. and i realized, this isnt everything to me. the musical is one significant part of my senior year, but it is not by far anywhere close to everything important in my life. what's important to me is music. what's important to me is growing musically, sharing my passion, learning new things everyday about the incredible art of performing. and the musical encompasses all of those things, but it doesn't complete the passion in my soul. does that make any sense? i still love music, and i would never change my major because i know that is the one thing in this world that i love to do. the one thing in this world that helps me forget about everything and express my deepest emotions. when im playing my piano there is absolutely nothing else in this entire world that matters to me and when i'm up on that stage, even though nerves come, the energy and excitement that surges through my body is indescribable to anyone unless they've experienced it for themselves. Deb put everything completely into perspective for me today and was a huge encouragement. she helped me to remember that God has a plan for my life, and whether i'm sure of what it is or not, it's in His hands and He's given each of us a specific talent for a specific thing in our lives. high school is not reality. yes, it's a blast and the memories created here will stay with me forever... but it's not the real world. as much as this musical meant to me, my life has so many bigger things in store for me and this whole experience will be a memory in just a few months. i apologize to anyone i blew up at the past few days and thank everyone for the encouragement and all the compliments, because although that's not at all what i was intending from the last entry, everyone was so gracious and supportive. i'm ready to have an absolute blast these next few months- Kate and I are going to be the most goodlooking servants ever :) and i'm gonna create so many wonderful memories with that girl and my ang and all of the other great people in the show. i just have to remember that i cant rely on myself to determine my future.. | | |
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